Jeff's Caretaker Page



I fell in love 18 years ago.  Up until that point, I never had the experience or joy of being in love with a woman.  When I was a teenager, I was rather shy and did not talk an awful lot, especially to women.  But the day I saw her, was the day my world changed forever; it was the day I not only broke out of my shyness towards women, it was the day I fell in love.  As the saying goes, it was love at first sight. 

I must admit, not knowing how to love someone or let alone what to say to her was rather awkward.  I guess in hind sight, I was waiting for the right moment, the right time, more so, the right woman.  On that hot summer day, I found her.  We exchanged the normal pleasantries, a smile and basically went on our separate ways for the most part, but I could not seem to get her out of my thoughts or my mind.  This person, this woman, this soul, is with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

We dated, we fought, we broke up, we made up.  We did what any other normal couple dating would have gone through.  I wondered at times, was this not who I was to be with, was she not the one I thought I wanted to have grow old with me.  We made it through those times, just as we are making it today.  You see, I started this commitment, and I am going to end this commitment, but not until the Good Lord says it is my time to leave.  What does this relate to MS you ask, well, I am going to tell you.

I am what is known in the world of MS as a care giver.  I am the rock, the shoulder to cry on, the shotgiver, the cook, the husband, the this, the that.  I take this new job I just inherited rather seriously.  I was never one who took command, gave orders, or liked to be in charge, it rather scares me to be that person.  Nevertheless, in February of 1999, the day before my birthday, I became all of the those, and more; it was the day a doctor uttered those words, "Your wife has MS."  Ok, so I wanted to cry, to scream "NO," to turn back the hands on the clock and never let that moment ever happen.  However, I could not.  It probably was the exact moment in my life when I became a man.  Something changed me that very instant, something came over me and leapt into my body.  Something made me want to be a care giver to my wife Jennifer. 

I never really believed I had a purpose in life.  They say everyone on this planet does, but I did not ever think I did.  I float through life, take one day at a time.  I am just there so to speak.  I suppose now however, I have purpose and meaning.  True, I have a job, but it is only just a job.  I have something different now, I have the ability to really matter in life, to make a difference here.  Like I said, I take this entitlement of care giver seriously.  One cannot predict the future, one cannot ask silly questions of what life is to hold for us in our days to come.  We must take each and every day and live it as if it were our last one.  I plan to do that here for us, for Jen and me.  Sure, I could have packed my bags and left, but where the hell would I have gone to?  Who would I want to be with if it were not Jen?  Suffice it to say, I am here and I am not going anywhere.  I have a job to do, and not just a job, I have to give care, I have to make a difference to her and to us.  I love her.  I really do. 

Sure, we could all run and hide after we hear those ill-fated words come out of the doctor's mouth, but why?  Where would we go?  If you are a care giver and are reading this now, I empathize with you, I really do.  We are not alone, do not give up, you are not the only one.  Don't give up, no need to feel ashamed.  Don't give up, be proud of who you are.  Don't give up, you know it's not gonna be easy, don't give up, there is a place where we belong.   Like the man who married us all said that day we took our vows, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.  Do not think of your life now as not what you had planned.  Think of it that everything happens for a reason.  I do believe that.  Reflect on who you both are, what you mean to one another and why this has happened.

For some of us, it may be that it happened to strengthen our marriages, to bring us closer once again as we may have drifted apart.  There are many reasons why our spouses have now been given this illness.  Yet remember one thing, when you look at them, into their eyes and into their souls, they are still the same beautiful, loving, sexy person you married that special day.  MS may do many things to the body, but one thing it CANNOT do, is take away the beauty that is theirs.  Someone once told me, your wife is so pretty, just look at her, and to think she has MS.  Well, I had to laugh, because this disease will never ever take away the beauty of my wife Jennifer.  It can slow her down, make her walk funny, do other things to her that make me mad when I see it take its affect on her, but the one thing it WILL NOT do, is take away her beauty. 

I said before that things happen for a reason, I do think that a lot.  Jen and I live in Cleveland, Ohio.  Here in Cleveland is the Cleveland Clinic. We were meant to live here.  We do not have children, we were not meant to have any so that I can spend my efforts on helping her through life.  A small gift from the medical world called Avonex was just put on the market in the last several years, Jen was meant to take this drug and was not meant to be diagnosed until after it became available.  Reflect on your own reasons why perhaps things happen for a reason, I am sure you can find some.  Besides, it will help take your mind off of maybe other things you are thinking of, like what about me?  Why ME???.  Well, why any of us.  I do not have those answers, I am not God. 

You and I agreed to spend our lives with our soulmates and said it in front of friends, family and God.  Don't break your promise to your spouse, especially now, for it is now that your spouse needs you.  He or she needs your love, your patience, your kindness, your support, your friendship.  Most of all, he or she needs your commitment to grow old together.  True, they do have MS, but it is your love and devotion to give the care that is going to make ALL the difference in the world to how you both live the rest of your lives together.  Maybe we all  just have to slow dance now.  It is no so bad dancing slow, holding him or her in your arms, looking at the same beautiful person you said you would love the rest of your life.  Maybe we have to walk slower now, but holding the hand of the one you love is enjoyable.  Perhaps instead of trying to climb that tall mountain to reach for the sun, sit and watch it set on a sandy beach, together, knowing that the sun will come up tomorrow and bring even more hope than it gave you today.  

There is hope my friends, a helluva lot of hope.  Don't think there isn't.  Jen and I have hope here, I wish that you do wherever you are.  I guess one of the best things I can say to anyone who has now been thrust into this, is that you talk, and talk a lot.  Let your thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams be known to one another.  Don't sit and stare at one another, talk.  Stress is not good for MS patients, we all know that.  So don't stress, let it all out, even if you have to let it out in the form of a tear, just let it all out.  Whatever means you take to relax, do it together, it makes a difference.  And when you are done stressing, smile at the one you love.  Smile at the one you chose in life to be with, smiles are a form of showing you care. 

Go on with the life you chose the day you got married, do not change it simply because of something called MS.  Life is not judged by how many years you lived, but rather in how you chose to live those years.  Spend this time wisely, together and in love.   
  Jeff and Izzy- April 2001
Jeff's New Bike- November 2000
Jeff- MS Walk 2001
Message left on board at end of walk. -    Thank You Sweetheart!