mental

Mental Process

I found the mental stages of this disease to be very challenging. I know that I went through four stages in dealing with things. These stages were; denial, anger, depression and then acceptance. This process took me about 6-8 months to complete. I also bounced back and forth between these steps occasionally.

I started with deep denial. This stage took me about 2 months to get through. I said things like, "the doctors are wrong", "this isn't happening", "No, I don't want to read any books about this" and "Don't talk to me about this". I just didn't want to think or talk about anything. I had shut myself off.

Next I began to get angry about things, I had a lot of angry questions like; "Why am I so uncoordinated in my movements?", "Why do I get so tired?", "Why is my balance so poor?", "Why are stair steps so difficult now?", "Why can't I walk very far?', "Why am I so clumsy?" and mostly "Why is all of this happening to me?" I was very mad and angry for about 3 months. I also began taking my shots during this time and this started making things very real to me.

I realized that yes, I really did have this disease and I was going to have to start dealing with it. I was still mad. It was about this time, I realized that this was not going to go away. Things continued to happen and new symptoms appeared. It just continued day by day. I also continued to get shots each week. I began to become depressed. I did not know how to make it all go away. This stage only lasted a couple of weeks. Then, I began to look for answers.

I read everything I could find. I began to go to the gym and focus on my health which made me feel more in charge. I started taking vitamins, watched what I ate, stretched out my muscles in the morning, and began to try yoga for streching, weight lifting to maintain my muscle strength and water aerobics to keep up my energy level. I also began to find answers to things I was having problems with.

I started to realize that there was an answer or solution for just about everything if I looked hard enough. I just needed to make this a challenge for myself and to focus on finding the answers. This put me back in the drivers seat and in charge of my own outcome. I began to accept things and to become more optimistic about the future. I realized that I couldn't wake up each day and worry about what would happen. Whatever was going to happen would.

I needed to count my blessings. I started with - I know that I am very lucky, that I have many resources available to me, that there have been many studies, that this is not a new disease, and there are medications to help deal with the symptoms and medications to help prevent further symptoms from occurring. When I really looked at it, this is not such a bad disease at all. It is all in my attitude and how I look at and deal with things.

I am now doing all that I can. I know that this disease is not in charge of my life. I am in charge of my life. I have reached the acceptance stage but I have only accepted it on my terms. This has been a learning experience and I continue to learn each day. This disease has forced me to get better and better at accepting change and adjusting each and every day.

I know this is only one person's experience and you may go through different stages and thought processes. I hope that knowing how someone else has dealt with this is of benefit to you. Please understand also that this is an ongoing process. I know I went through some very similar steps when I had my first relapse and each time my symptoms have changed. It is not a one time process but each time the process gets a little easier to deal with.